Re: Crossing The Line [Andrew, Ceara] ((complete))

by **Andrew** Sun May 12, 2013 2:28 pm

Andrew jerked his hand back when she let out that pained sound, curling them into loose fists as he started to frown. "It's not nothing if you're that bruised. You can normally avoid it," he called after her, following her for a few feet. "Ceara, this isn't ordinary and it isn't fine. What happened? Did you get in a fight with like five guys or something? Because that's the only reason I can think of for why you'd be this banged up." He tilted his head, studying her back and wondering a little absently why she was tensing up so much over his concern.

"Have you had a bunch of gang stuff or something?" he asked. He hadn't thought so, but then, she was a higher rank now and it wasn't like there was any way to know who was doing what or even what all of the gang missions were. The only thing, really, was the schedule for patrol and guarding Guild headquarters. Normally those were assigned at the start of the night or, if you wanted to put in for a burn phone, through text or call. Andrew had opted for the latter route.

by **Ceara** Mon May 13, 2013 1:28 am

Violet eyes narrowed slightly, uncomfortable with where this was leading. Why couldn't her cousin believe her when she said it was nothing? It really was, she wasn't in anything that she couldn't handle. She was aware of all the possible consequences that fighting in the Arena brought, as well as the ones that came with sleeping with Lapin, as little as they were. And she put herself in there voluntarily. If Ceara wasn't confident she could come out alive, she would've left already.

"More like a handful of fights with people who aren't your average street meathead. But seriously, Andrew, don't worry about it, it's nothing. I've just been doing stuff for the gang." A lot more half truths. Ceara smiled again, turning towards him. "Trust me, if I was in trouble, you'd be the first person I'd tell, okay? So just drop it, alright?"

Ceara strode into her room and sat on the bed, brushing her hair back and subtly nudging the towel back into place around her neck, just in case. "Come on, Andrew. We're both exhausted and just want to go to sleep."

by **Andrew** Mon May 13, 2013 3:30 pm

Andrew crossed his arms over his chest, frowning a bit more deeply. "Would you, really? We both know that I'm not anyone's first choice to watch their back in a fight. And you wouldn't tell me something if you thought I'd react badly or go out and do something stupid."

Grumbling softly, he followed Ceara and stopped in the doorway to her room. "And if it really was nothing, you wouldn't keep hiding your neck when you know I've already seen that it's bruised." he sighed and let his arms fall to his sides. "Ceara, I just... Don't you trust me?" he asked, lifting his hands a little to spread his fingers beseechingly, palms held out toward her.

The way things had been going recently, he wasn't sure that anyone trusted him at all. Hell, he wasn't even sure that he trusted himself. And even though he sometimes had trouble taking care of himself, he still did his best to take care of others - and most of his inability to take care of himself was due to putting others first and his low self-worth.

by **Ceara** Tue May 14, 2013 12:45 am

She rubbed her eyes before propping her head up with an arm on her knee. "No, I wouldn't go to you for help in a fight, but that's because I don't want you to get hurt on my account." She sighed. "And yes I know you would go do something stupid and probably get yourself hurt or even killed and I don't want that, Andrew. I can't stand to see you hurt."

"Ceara, I just... Don't you trust me?"

Her head snapped up and she frowned, staring at his face, then his open hands. "Of course I do! You think I don't?" Her frown deepened. "But I also know you and I know how you would react if I told you and trust me, it's not going to be fun for either of us. So you have to just trust me enough to take care of myself, okay? I'm not in any danger so I don't see why you're pestering me about it." She didn't mean for it to come out so snappy, but it did. "Let's go to sleep, Andrew, I don't want to talk about this anymore."

by **Andrew** Tue May 14, 2013 8:32 pm

He frowned again. "Ceara, you asked me to let you worry about me - why won't you let me worry about you? Don't you think it's just a little bit unfair?" he asked, starting to get annoyed himself. "I promise, I'm not going to fly off the handle or whatever it is that you're thinking that I'll do. So long as you weren't raped or aren't--" He cut himself off, looking a bit shocked at whatever thought had occurred to him.

Moving forward quickly, he pulled the towel from her neck, being careful not to hurt her, but also using his longer reach and superior speed to his advantage. He really hoped he wasn't right, but it didn't look like that was the case. "God, Ceara, are you doing what I think you are?" he asked, sounding a bit horrified now. "If you are, you should stop. Trust me, it's not a good idea. If you need help, I can help you. You just need to let me help you. Please." He gave her a pleading look.

by **Ceara** Wed May 15, 2013 1:39 am

She tried to hold the towel tighter to her neck, but Andrew was too fast and she was taken off guard and it was snatched from her hand. "Andrew!" She turned to glare at him properly, but his eyes were focused on her neck.

"God, Ceara, are you doing what I think you are?"

She blinked a couple of times as she attempted to come to the same conclusion he did. And then it clicked. "What? No, Andrew, I'm not fucking whoring myself out, okay? Why the hell would you think I would do that?" A small hint of disgust leaked into her voice at the thought. She didn't have the ability to allow herself to do that; prostitution never crossed her mind as an option for money. "And besides, even if I was, who are you to tell me what to do? I'm an adult, Andrew, I can make my own choices. I know you do it, and I don't approve but I don't think I ever demanded you to stop, because that should be something you decide." She relaxed her fists, not realizing when she had balled them up.

by **Andrew** Wed May 15, 2013 2:42 pm

He blinked, drawing back a bit in surprise and feeling a little hurt. Well, he was frequently wondering if others found him disgusting for what he did; now he had his answer as far as his cousin was concerned.

Shaking that thought off as being oversensitive and looking into things too much, Andrew focused on Ceara again. "You've got hickies, bruises, and a hell of a lot of money - that's why I'd think that." After all, his cousin was an attractive woman, he could admit that much without feeling awkward. "And I'm not saying that you can't make your own choices or that I'm trying to tell you what to do. I'm just saying that it's not a good idea, because I do it and I hate it but it's not like I've got much other choice in the matter considering that I can't exactly get a job and deliveries have been sparse. You can make it as a pickpocket. Trust me, stick with that." He huffed a little, not wanting to voice that if she was doing something else and hadn't trusted him enough to tell her. Or, she had gotten a boyfriend and still wasn't willing to tell him.

by **Ceara** Sat May 18, 2013 11:54 am

Ceara blinked, then her eyes narrowed. "What? Andrew, did you go through my stuff?" She glanced at the drawer, frowning. He must've seen the money hidden in there, and it was her mistake to ask him to go get her clothes, but it didn't change the fact the money was in a black bag. He had to have opened it to see the cash. "What the hell, Andrew, why would you do that?"

She stood, crossing her arms over her chest. "I'm not getting that money by prostitution." Except it was kind of the same thing, if she thought about it enough. Doing things for stranger's entertainment and their money. She shook off that train of thought and continued. "I can take care of myself so where I got that money doesn't concern you. Nor does my sex life," she muttered as she snatched her towel back from his hand, wrapping it around her neck again. It wouldn't do much now that he had seen the marks there, but she needed some barrier between him and her, no matter how flimsy it was. Ceara knew what she was doing wasn't right on many accounts, but she didn't want to hear it from him of all people.

by **Andrew** Sat May 18, 2013 7:50 pm

He blinked at her then shook his head. "I grabbed the bag on accident with your friggin' underwear and I got curious since you don't hide stuff. Not from me anyway. If I had any idea of what was in it or what was going on, I wouldn't have opened it. I'm sorry that I ended up seeing it, but I just thought it was something to tease you over, like a sex toy or something. I swear, it was just that and only because I grabbed it with like three pairs of panties."

Did she really trust him so little about stuff? Apparently so if the way she had grabbed the towel and used the fabric to hide from him was any indication. And that was something that made a hard ball drop into his stomach. Why did he get the feeling that there was something a bit more to what was going on than he was aware of?

Sighing softly, he ran a hand through his hair. "Ceara, I'm not saying that you can't take care of yourself or anything. I'm just concerned and I want to help if I can. I care about you. You know that, right?" He met her eyes and gave her a beseeching look. "Please, tell me what's going on. I won't judge. I just want to help."

by **Ceara** Sun May 19, 2013 2:36 am

Her fists clenched at her side. "You still looked in it, Andrew!" Her voice raised in volume slightly, but Ceara paused to get it under control. It wouldn't get anything accomplished if she yelled at him, she reminded herself, no matter how much he was getting on her nerves.

"I know you do, but I also hoped that you would respect me enough to drop a topic that I do not want to talk about. Everybody's entitled to keeping some things to themselves, so why can't you just drop it?" She exhaled sharply, running a hand over her face. "I don't need your help because there is nothing to help with. I'm doing fine." And no judgement? That was a load of shit. He would judge, even if he didn't act on it. And she would know. "Not everything's a fucking crisis that needs to be fixed. Not everyone needs to be coddled like a child every day of their life." Ceara blinked, then shut her mouth. She hadn't meant to say that, it just came out. But it was too late, he had heard her meaning loud and clear.

by **Andrew** Sun May 19, 2013 1:19 pm

"And I'm sorry!" How many times did he have to say it? It wasn't the first time that he had gone through something of hers, it was just normally the bags from when she went grocery shopping.

"I do respect you! I just worry too. Why aren't I allowed to worry about you? You do about me." Or, that was what she had said earlier. And she wasn't very good about dropping things that he didn't want to talk about. Actually, now that he thought about it, no one ever stopped with a subject when he didn't want to talk to about it - which was likely part of why he wasn't good at doing that himself.

"Not everything's a fucking crisis that needs to be fixed. Not everyone needs to be coddled like a child every day of their life."

Andrew blinked, recoiling a little in surprise. A child? Was that how she viewed him? How long had she thought that?

"I don't think you need to be coddled. You're family so I care." But apparently she didn't share that view. He shook his head. "And if I was a child or I did need every little thing done for me, do you think I would have put up with all the times you hit me or kicked me? That I would have hidden those bruises because I didn't want you to feel bad? Tell me how that's something a 'coddled child' would do."

by **Ceara** Sat May 25, 2013 9:19 pm

“You are allowed to worry about me! I just don’t want to talk about this, so please just drop it!” She huffed and turned away, running a hair through her damp hair. “It’s not an issue, I’m telling you it’s not an issue, so why can’t you just leave it alone?”

When he spoke up again though, she turned around, a deep frown on her lips. “What? Andrew, that’s not what I meant. I meant that you need people around you, people to take care of you.” Because it seemed to her that she couldn’t turn around without him getting hurt or broken or something else. “For the last time, I know how to take care of myself. Thank you for your concern, but I don’t need you to take care of me.” She sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose, closing her eyes. “And those bruises? You know that I don’t mean to do you any harm on purpose, and if you had asked me to stop I would’ve.” Grimacing, she tucked her hands in her pockets, looking away from him.

by **Andrew** Sat May 25, 2013 9:30 pm

"I don't need anyone to take care of me! I managed just fine on my own! And as to me needing people around me, yeah, so what if I do? I don't like being alone, Ceara. You know that! I like to be around people, to feel like I actually do matter after how I grew up. I like to spend time with the people I care for, to make them happy or help keep them from feeling as alone as I do a lot of the time. And if it helps stop me from throwing myself off of something else with a rope around my neck, I don't see how that's something to complain about!"

He let out a huff of air and crossed his arms over his chest defensively. "And yeah, I know you didn't mean it on purpose, which is part of why I didn't say anything. Another part is that I didn't want you to feel like you had to hold yourself back from being able to be yourself around me - which you would have if I had said anything." A somewhat bitter laugh slipped out before he could stifle it, not that he would have tried very hard to either. "Honestly, it wasn't that bad compared to what Jared did to me so there wasn't much point in speaking up anyway."

On the bright side, he had forgotten about the money and such, being more interested in addressing and picking apart what she was saying.

by **Ceara** Sun May 26, 2013 5:58 pm

“You ‘managed just fine on your own’?” She gave him a disbelieving laugh. “When we first met, you were scrawny as hell, Andrew. You might’ve been managing, but you definitely weren’t doing fine.” Not to mention the number of times he had told her he’d been raped. “And I’m not saying that it’s wrong that you like to spend time with people, all I’m saying is that I’m not like that, I’m not like you. I like being alone sometimes, okay?”

“And if it helps stop me from throwing myself off of something else with a rope around my neck, I don't see how that's something to complain about!"

She blinked and turned back to him. “Stop saying things like that! I hate it when you say things like that! I know you’re not saying it to make me feel guilty, but god, do you know how terrifying it is to keep thinking that if I turn around for one moment, you might just off yourself or get yourself killed? Look what happened with Robert, Andrew! I hate not knowing if you're safe because I don't feel like you can take care of yourself!” She pressed her lips together, squeezing her eyes shut. There, she said it.

by **Andrew** Mon May 27, 2013 8:21 pm

Andrew couldn't help the scowl that was starting to take over his features. He had no idea that she thought so lowly of him.

"Of course I was thin. After nine years of needing to keep what food I could pilfer to a minimum to not be noticed and then yelled at, locked out, or beaten, then another four of eating an average of once a day, there's no way I could have reasonably been expected to be a normal body weight. Hell, I should probably be taller than I am. And if not, then I'm lucky that I'm not any shorter than I am. But, yeah, I did fine when you consider the alternative."

He blinked at her then shook his head. "I didn't say anything about spending time with me, but I guess I can assume that you've got a problem with me calling you." If that was the case, then he'd stop. She could decide when she wanted to be around him.

Another blink and that scowl vanished in his surprise then his eyes narrowed a little. "Obviously, I can. I survived eighteen years before meeting you, which astounds me between my 'family', my depression, and people like Robert who just wanted to use me." His hands were balled into fists, most clearly showing his upset, but he stayed where he was, wondering morbidly if there was anything else before deciding that he may as well just ask and get it over with. "So, you think I'm a child, that I'm hopeless and apparently useless, that I'm too reliant on people, and I'm too much hassle for you. Is there anything else I should know?" he demanded, trying to bury his hurt in anger and not doing a good job of it.

by **Ceara** Tue May 28, 2013 12:04 am

She matched his expression, her lips twisting to form a scowl. "Stop putting words in my mouth, Andrew! I didn't say anything about not wanting to spend time with you either, stop making assumptions! The only thing I said was that I'm not nearly as extroverted as you, and I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that! I'm just not as willing to trust people as you are!" Her fists were balled up at her sides as well, tightening to the point where her nails were cutting into her palms. Her temper was getting the better of her and she knew it, but that knowledge wasn't enough to stop her.

"Obviously, I can. I survived eighteen years before meeting you, which astounds me between my 'family', my depression, and people like Robert who just wanted to use me."

"You only need to succeed at committing suicide once, Andrew!" She let out a small frustrated groan at his next words, running a distressed hand through her hair. "That's not what I'm - Stop assuming that I - You know what, Andrew?" Ceara sighed and strode past him, slipping on shoes and opening the door. "One of us needs to leave before I say something even more stupid or you draw another idiotic conclusion."

by **Andrew** Tue May 28, 2013 12:27 am

"I don't trust people! You're better at it than I am! I might feel things quickly, but that doesn't mean that I trust them! I'm just better at hiding it than you are! I've learned the hard way that there's no point in trusting people because they're just going to turn on you in the end!" he shouted, making a sharp gesture toward her. "And look where it gets me! I trusted you but not only do you not trust me, but apparently you've got some problems with me and how I am that you haven't bothered to bring up before! And just to set your mind at ease, I haven't tried since before we met and I haven't even felt like it since I was raped! But that's my fault considering the prostitution so we'll ignore it. That does bring up your disgust though. When were you gonna tell me that you thought that about me? Because I have to applaud you for hiding that. I never noticed." He looked down, forcing himself to calm again. He hated yelling, especially like that. It was way too much like his sperm donor and brother.

by **Ceara** Tue May 28, 2013 1:06 am

"Are you kidding me? At least you want to trust people; I don't want to trust people. That's the thing, Andrew! I know that they're going to leave eventually, too! It took me years to get used to Tal. You're the first person in a very long time that I've tried to trust, because hey, you're family, right? You've had your fucked up family, but I had a loving one ripped from me, Andrew! You don't know how that feels!" She took a shaky breath, her hand tightening on the door handle. "I can't just stop thinking that you're going to kill yourself, Andrew, it just doesn't work like that. And I don't know if I can keep doing that."

She shook her head and her hand slid off the door handle to tuck into her pocket. "I'm not disgusted by you, I'm disgusted by what you do and that you feel like it's the only way to get by. I hate that you can't stop being miserable and can't stop attracting terrible people because Robert, Andrew? You say you take a long time to trust but you fell in love with him after what, a couple months? And you stayed with him after he hit you because you thought he wouldn't do it again? That was stupid of you and you know it." She wasn't making much sense now but she wasn't in the right mind to form a logical argument.

by **Andrew** Tue May 28, 2013 1:54 am

"You're right! I don't! And goddammit all, I would rather know how that feels because then at least I'd know I was loved! I wouldn't have grown up hated and being told that there were so many things wrong with me that even though I know they're not true, I still believe them! And it just keeps getting reinforced!" He shoved a hand through his hair in agitation. What the hell was going on? How had they gotten to this point?

"Maybe I should just off myself so you don't have to keep thinking about it. Problem solved." He shook his head, making a disgusted noise over what he had just said. "I'm not going to though. I'm not gonna give anyone that satisfaction."

And there she was bringing up Robert again. "You of all people should know that emotions and trust are two different things. Feelings can't be helped. And if it was stupid of me to stay with him through it, then how stupid am I for sticking with you when you hit me? You hit me, you kick me, you insult me. At least he didn't shove me in front of a car or off a roof! Yeah, the one was an accident and, yeah, the other you thought something else'd happen, but that still doesn't change it!"

He shook his head again then grabbed his stuff. "I can't deal with this right now. I just.. I can't. I can't take being hated or insulted or looked down on again. Not from someone else who's supposed to care for me and that I cared for." He brushed past her and yanked the door open. "Go ahead and call me when you think you can accept how I am. I haven't changed for anyone yet," though he almost had for Halt, until he got scared since he was barely seventeen and didn't want to fall in love and he realized the man didn't love him the way he would have wanted anyway, "And I don't see it happening any time soon. If you don't, then enjoy your fucking money."

And with that, he stepped out and slammed the door behind himself.

by **Ceara** Tue May 28, 2013 3:02 pm

She turned away from him, pinching the bridge of her nose as she exhaled sharply. "I'm not... I've never hit you with the intention of hurting you, Andrew. I've always meant it in a teasing way, never to hurt you for the sake of hurting you, not like him. If you were really bothered by it and told me to stop, I would. If you could just speak up for yourself, I would've stopped, but damn it, you just can't seem to do that until it blows up in all our faces." Like right now. Everything had spiraled out of control so quickly, and she couldn't think clearly, she couldn't control herself.

She only turned to face him again when he moved past her, glaring at him with confused anger. She heard him speak through the sound of her blood pumping. She shifted to let him pass, muttering a quiet, "Bye, Andrew," right before the door slammed behind him.

Now alone in her apartment, Ceara frowned, furrowing her brow and smoothing her hair back. What the fuck just happened? She reached for the handle again, before shaking her head and turned away. Now wasn't the time. She'd only make everything worse with the mindset she was in. Closing her eyes, she headed back into her room, shutting the door behind her before flopping onto her bed. She couldn't do this right now.

by **Andrew** Tue May 28, 2013 3:34 pm

Andrew stood outside the door for a couple minutes, fighting with himself and hoping that she'd come after him. But, of course, she didn't. He wasn't worth it, he never was.

He finally forced himself to move, letting his feet carry him where they wanted as his mind started to fill with dark thoughts and doubts. If Ceara could think all of that about him, couldn't see that he knew that she and so many others were more important than he was, then what about the others? What did Halt think of him? Did he share those views? What about Aiden - not that the man had been around - or Marjorie? Did they think those things too? Or, did they not care and just want him around to make themselves feel better?

He shouldn't be doubting everyone and everything just because of this, but with it being so soon after Robert, and getting blamed for that, he just couldn't help it. He needed to quit being such a child about things, but he didn't know how.

Shaking his head harshly, Andrew pushed himself into a sprint in the hopes that he could outrun the thoughts and the tears he could feel pushing at the back of his eyes.

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